Kind of warm, clouds in and out.
Finally
looked up Holiday Inn and, as expected, I was wrong. The movie did
feature the song "White Christmas" as sung by Bing Crosby. But it wasn't
the same movie as White Christmas (the movie). The second movie was a
complete reworking of the first, not the same movie retitled or remade.
Apparently, according to one listing, Holiday Inn contains a scene
with some offensive "minstrelsy" (to put it mildly) as a plot device,
which is probably why I've never seen it on TV or anything.
On
to tonight's topic: I've spent some time over the last few weeks (off
line) wondering "what might have been." I guess that's normal whenever
you're facing a crossroad of one type or another: you want to look at
previous crossroads and wonder whether you made the right choices: not
to get married (just to "settle down"), sticking with journalism (even
while unhappy at it), etc. I wonder how much cowardice played a role in
those and other "decisions" I'd made. Self-justification played a huge
role, that
I've known for a while. But the cowardice behind it bothers me more
now, because I realize how many possibilities other roads would have
opened up, had I positively chosen them. I've stumbled along roads less
traveled by, and it has indeed made all the difference, not necessarily
in a good way. But there were forks in those roads I took that I also
passed up, just basically ignored, because they looked risky, even
"dangerous" (to my ego, if I took a chance and lost). But since I've
lost at much of the game of life anyway, I can't help but wonder if some
of those forks were worth trying, just to see. Yeah, what might have
been.
I don't feel
like a "loser," and I don't feel that much self-pity (though I am quite
familiar with that particular form of cowardice). I feel I've won things
like character and self-respect that I actually gained by "losing" this
or that "life game". And I've gained enough maturity (mostly through
becoming a fairly regular church goer for the last 18 years or so) to
see self-pity for what it is (a really sick form of self-righteousness).
What's bothering me is that I tried to cut some kind of deal between me
and society: I'll try and play your game, world, but I get to be me
when I'm by myself. You'd think that wouldn't be such a bad thing: in
fact, on the surface, it sounds kind of normal. But for me, it was as
corrosive as a Brillo pad on butter.
You're
either you or you're faking it: you can't have it both ways, or fake it
M-F 9-5, and be "you" nights and on the weekends. Living honestly in
society involves compromise, tact, and patience -- among many other
things. But, if you think about it, you can't
compromise if you have a weak sense of self. You're not compromising
anything that way, you're just giving in. And If "giving in" is done
bit-by-bit, you just get worn down to nothing. Or, when the corrosion
eats its way to your core, and you yelp in protest, suddenly you're a
"rebel."
No, you
can't lead this kind of life because it's a double life, I think. You've
got to be honest, if to no one but yourself. So I guess I end up with a
tru-ism: "To thine own self, be true ... ."
While
out driving on an errand the other day, heard a song on the radio that
was big when I was a senior in college. It was by Boston, and it was a
kind of anti-life-plan anthem of that era. I forget the title. A lot of
my chums were pretty aimless back then, though others clearly had a
professional track laid out but wore messed-up jeans and long hair to
look cool. I think I unconsciously cast my lot with the aimless variety,
and that has proved to have been a bad thing. If any of you out there
are like this now and are interested in my "bloodied but unbowed"
opinion, here it is: get some life counseling from somebody competent
and trustworthy. If you need some kind of aptitude test, or just some
honest feedback on what you have to offer, get it. Cross-check all of it
with other sources you trust. Affirm your own sense of who you are,
find opportunities to test that as a theory of "who you really are," and
accept your own final feedback as the most valid of all. You may lose a
starting step or two in the rat race, but if you do it -- and avoid
frittering away that time playing phoney "finding yourself" games -- you
will gain in the long run by getting some real feedback and making some
constructive self-criticism first: I'm confident of that.
LJ orig.: 12/15/06
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